I saw HIM hit HER today.
I saw the slaps, the battering and the abuse that would persist even before it came. It was nothing new. I had seen it, Felt it- this spectacle, many times before. The intention always so clearly reflected in the irate dark pools of his eyes that the reverberation of the action manifested seemed to come too late. I hated him for wielding that power. I hated her for yielding to him. And I hated MY SELF for being unable to stop it.
Was I a product of Hate?
Is that why I wanted to thrash him? I was mad. I was angry. It was just so instinctively natural for me to know that only ONE would be enough. That hitting him with full force, till my palm stung with the hurt- was gratifying. It pleased me, to think of every grotesque scene plausible where I was rewarding retribution to the Man responsible for my misery. It gave me some small measure of comfort- at least for a while. Closing my eyes, with Love I embraced such thoughts till I was engulfed in Hate's cold cocoon.
And I thought...
"Life's just so weird. Sometimes we think we have all the answers... that we KNOW and we'll be able to solve everything.
What is our problem???...
Living our Life in someone else's respect, on that one person's terms we call our Mate for life, or even the one we feel will be
our Partner for life...
We Design our span of years on this Earth-
the whole foundation of it is laid on the terms that we can't go back... that our life isn't our own but of the one who will make or break it...
We change the whole course of the events that could have been... just for one man...
We mould our perspective and shape our habits, language, moods, interests to suit the other's whims...
After years of training ourselves to become a slave, we ask 'where has our life gone??
Life ditches you in the end...
And why wouldn't it ditch US???
Since we have been avoiding it... not doing anything to LIVE it... shaping it in such a way that it becomes a wrap for someone else to wear and dispose off, at his own will...
Why the hell have we surrendered our freedom and wants???
Sometimes I feel that there isn't any Soul-mate thing at all... that it's all just a huge Sham... A Big Fat Lie construed to make you float in the Realm of Unreality... take you to places you feel you want to go... the fantastic land of dreams...
I guess that's why a pragmatic would call a romantic: a FOOL... "
After fuming for hours together I felt drained.
Exhausted.
My head hurt and my eyes burnt from their continuous loss of the silent tears. The one who gave me birth calls me 'Strong'. I realized that it doesn't matter how strong you are, for an abuse to your person, shakes up both- the victim and the witness. After expending my energy imagining every dark image possible, I was jerked out of my cataleptic despondent self by a notion that surfaced during the unconscious contemplation I had no idea was going on.
"Evil thrives on vile thoughts and deeds."
It made me realize that I was the fuel, feeding the monster- nurturing and nourishing 'Iniquity' till I was sucked dry. Naturally I lost my Peace.
My God always tells me to forgive. But how can I forgive a monster? How can I just forgive and forget years of harassment and torture and turn into a beautiful woman? I am Ugly. My mother is broken. I am tainted.
We are the Fallen.
I am not so small now, neither so young nor so naive. Losing that innocence was part of the growing up I had to do earlier than other kids of my age. Many times I wish I was NOT a Girl. Many times I wish God had made me a Boy. I'd have been Free then. I could have flown anywhere and still I would have been loved and taken care of. Because that's what females do for a male, right? That's like their 'taken for granted' sex description, a pre requisite for their 'Being'.
I didn't move when he came. I was ready this time. I felt my body being dragged across the floor and three piercing lashes. I opened my eyes and looked at Him for what He really was. I snatched the belt, threw it and walked into my room.
I was free. Touching him was beneath me now.
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